Puns And Pretensions

Insert Pun on Seoul

2009-12-23T01:40:00.007-05:00

I love ridiculous things. When I have a kitchen of my very own, nothing in it will be without whimsy. Panda skillets, knife sets that look like a person being stabbed and 19th century Morse Code-inspired pendants are on my list of wants.

When it comes to music, I am no different. Sure, I'm quite serious when it comes to my favorites, but one can't listen to one's favorites 24/7.

This is where the K-Pop comes in. Some of it is laughable, some of it is obnoxious and some of it is amazing, but all of it is preposterous. And therefore, I bring you my top 5 favorite K-Pop videos at this moment in time.

1. "A Yo" by G-Dragon

Besides the fact that this song is good on it's own and that G-Dragon is hands down my favorite K-Pop star, this is one of the best music videos ever, the world over.

2. "Ring Ding Dong" by SHINee

Judging by the costuming and hair presented in this video, everyone in South Korea is Lady Gaga.

3. "Sorry Sorry" by Super Junior

Super Junior is a THIRTEEN PIECE BOY BAND. They made a movie called "Attack on the Pin-Up Boys," which is also known by what I think is a much better title, "Flower Boys' Series of Terror Events." It's pretty ridiculous, but it's actually, legitimately good too. It's posted on Youtube with English subtitles in 8 parts.

As far as this video goes, I've got to say..."Single Ladies" doesn't really work that well with a baker's dozen of adolescent Korean boys.

PS: My favorite member is Shindong, pick yours!

4. "Mirotic" by DBSK

It always cracks me up when men wear nothing under suit jackets. Like the ladies are going to swoon, saying "Look! He's cut and he's dapper! Thank God he almost got dressed so that we could see his style!"

I love how the first part of the video looks like an art film version of "Hamilton's Mythology," and then it just kind of degrades until it becomes a really shitty version of Jennifer Lopez's "Waiting for Tonight." It's almost unwatchably terrible, but the dance version is amazing:

5. "Rainism" by Rain

Dear Korean Pop Star Rain,

You take yourself so seriously that it's making the rest of us uncomfortable.

Sincerely,
Everyone Who Has Ever Heard Of You

PS: The special effects in Ninja Assassin were shit.

BONUS! YAY!
"Strong Baby" by Seung Ri feat. G-Dragon

This video isn't particularly exciting, which is why it wasn't on the main list, but I decided that it had to be on here in some way. This song gets the 1st place prize in terms of ridiculousness.

BUT CATS ARE FOR DELICIOUS!

2009-12-16T23:55:00.003-05:00

Peta: They think it's evil to own a pet, but objectifying women is totally fine.

I'm all about the causes.

As a white person, being indignant is kind of my thing.

But PETA makes me want to punch a baby sometimes.

Read: Who Would Eat a Sea Kitten?

This whole campaign is rather offensive, really. PETA's issues are so first world. There are villages where people's entire livelihood comes from fishing, but no, make them stop providing for their families!

And the whole idea that people only eat fish because they are un-adorable animals with a bad rap is ridiculous. Do you know why people eat fish? Because fish are FUCKING EDIBLE. It's not like Neanderthals were like, "Ah, what will we eat? All of these animals are so cute and cuddly! Oh look, that has scales! OM NOM NOM." It's more likely that it went down like this: "UHG, GROG HUNGRY...TINY CHIPMUNK APPETIZER NOT ENOUGH. THIS LOOKS LIKE IT IS FOOD, AND ALSO BARG ATE ONE AND DID NOT DIE. OM NOM NOM."

Promoting fish as the kittens of the sea is a ploy that will only mean something to people who already agree with PETA. No carnivore or pescatarian is going to see this and go "Oh God, I'm going to stop eating fish because they're actually kittens!"

Also, I'm pretty sure they eat cats in parts of China. So somewhere out there there is an Asian person reading that article and saying "MMM...fish and cat! It's double dericious!"

Regardless, I did take the step to make my own Sea Kitten, who may not look edible but would probably be beaten up at a sports bar:

And so, in conclusion, PETA has the marketing ideas of a 7-year-old girl and they suck at Photoshop:

I'm Going to Need Some Shades

2009-11-15T16:12:00.002-05:00

I plan on entering the writing/publishing business in about 5 years. Sometimes, I worry that it will be hard for me to find a job. I worry that I'll be a guppy in an ocean of sharks. And then I see things like this:

That's the abortion graphic from CBS/AP. Hey, good job you guys.

Associated Press and Columbia Broadcasting System: forever assuring me of future employment opportunities.

AWOOOOO!

2009-09-07T18:00:00.002-04:00

This is George Bluth's favorite song.

And the award for most hilarious dance moves gos to:

The outfit/location combinations in this video slay me. First she's in her black cutout bodysuit thing on Mars/Narnia/the lining of someones stomach/whatever else that red sparkly stuff could be, which is pretty appropriate. A ridiculous location warrants ridiculous clothes. But then she's in a nightclub in the same outfit, which makes no sense. But wait, there's a real wolf there! Is that ridiculous enough for her to be wearing a cutout bodysuit? Where's Carson Kressley when you need him (or even just in general)? Next shes Carrie Bradshaw (if Carrie Bradshaw had slick disco-ballet-tribal-kickboxing moves like that) WITHOUT SHOES on top of a roof.

I think my favorite thing about this song is a lyric in the first verse: "Darling it is no joke, this is lycanthropy." As in:

Steve: Honey, I feel like somethings been coming between us lately. I feel like it's been hard to connect to you on a personal level. Do you have any idea why I could be feeling this way?
Linda: Darling it is no joke, this is lycanthropy.
Steve: Ok, I get that. I wondered what was up with all of the extra hair getting stuck in the shower drain, too.

Yeah, Shakira. Super realistic.

But at least this video has given us one good thing:

Decisions, Decisions

2009-08-16T18:54:00.002-04:00

Television of your hopes and dreams.

Season 3 of Mad Men and Season 1 of Khloe and Kourtney Take Miami both premiere tonight at 10.

WHAT THE HELL AM I GOING TO WATCH???

KABOOM, Your Heart Stopped

2009-08-07T19:11:00.003-04:00

Turns out OxiClean wasn't Billy Mays' favorite white powder.

You'd think he already would have already had enough powerful substances to get high with without turning to coke. OxiClean is nothing to sniff at.

Got Milk?

2009-07-31T00:38:00.006-04:00

Harvey Milk with boyfriend Scott Smith

I ran across this picture while surfing the world wide web (hello, I just arrived here from 1997) and it made me really happy.

I can't believe that people who define themselves with "Morals and Family Values" choose to hate love. So ridiculous.

Candlelight March held after Milk's assassination.

Stay off the Twinkies, you guys.

____________________

On to more modern things...

John Bolton, the former US Ambassador to the UN, was on the Daily Show last night. That guy is awful. He finished off the interview by stating that he doesn't want any country to have nuclear weapons except the United States, which is insane. What makes us qualified to have WMDs over any other country? Who died and made us king? I don't understand what makes conservatives think that we have the right to rule the rest of the world.

Also, if you ever start to look like this:

It's officially time to shave the ol' stache.

Golden Oldies

2009-07-29T23:57:00.005-04:00

I've been a huge fan of Turner Classic Movies since I was 12.

Over the years, it has introduced me to countless classic films, some of which I will never forget.

Ted Turner is also a personal hero of mine, as I can't imagine how much money it costs to run a non-commercial cable station that seems to have a total disregard for FCC standards, and he does it just to keep these films alive. Also, he is a self-made billionaire, he supports UN causes, and he says and does what he wants, regardless of how others will take it.

(That last reason is also why I am the only person on Earth who likes Kanye West as a person. At least he's honest.)

He also owns more land than anyone else in the country (more than Delaware and Rhode Island combined) AND he keeps all of that land ecologically friendly, which is just so BA. Plus, he owns 50,000 bison, which kind of makes up for the fact that he invented 24-hour news. Then again, he wasn't the one who ruined it.

One of the best things about TCM is that, instead of commercials, they show old shorts in between films. Some of them are war propaganda films, some are travel films, and some are ridiculous. The only thing I can really think to compare them with is old educational films, which I am also obsessed with.

...I sense a "Top Three Short Almost-Kind-of-but-Not-Really-Nonfiction Films from the 30s, 40s and 50s" coming on...

In no particular order:

1. 1930s Futuristic Fashion Predictions

Coming from a girl who owns a lot of pants, I have to say that some of those predictions really aren't that far off. Though as far as the man's outfit goes, I don't believe he will be catching any "cuties" by offering them the candy in his pants, if you know what I mean.

2. Parties Are Fun

I wish we had watched movies like this in my middle school health class instead of "Tanequa, the Extremely Depressing Crack Baby with Herpes and Down Syndrome Who Could Have Been Prevented through Abstinence."

3. Kitty Cleans up

Mexican bath, anyone? Also, notice how the underlying message is that people will only want to pet you if you look well groomed. So if you like being groped, make sure you don't run out of shampoo...I guess...

Things You NEED

2009-07-15T15:23:00.003-04:00

I want a slanket really, really badly. Not because I think it would be useful, but more because I want to be able to tell people that I have one.

With that, here are three more things that no one on Earth could ever need, but everyone wants.

1. The Hawaii Chair- $299.94

Do you hate exercise, but love sitting? When you work on spreadsheets at your office job, do you think "Man, I wish I was being thrashed around right now!"? Do you have absolutely no desire to have coworkers that like you? Then this is the chair for you!

Raise your hand if, at 0:38, you thought he was going to say "This feels great on my ass." Do you see me? I'm raising my hand. GO BUY THIS.

2. Rejuvenique Electric Facial Mask- $30.00

Do you hate your wrinkles, but also have a debilitating fear of needles that keeps you from getting Botox? Do you worry that the neighborhood kids don't find you terrifying enough? Are you Vendetta and Jason's biggest fans? THEN BUY THIS NOW!

3. The Mr. T FlavorWave Oven- $119.85

I pity the fool who has not yet learned how to harness the power of infrared technology!

By the way, you only need to watch that video until 2:13. After that it's just NORMAL people. Normal people like you and me. Hey, we should ORDER NOW!

This Isn't Your Grandma's Trashy TV

2009-07-15T02:03:00.006-04:00

The following is another installment in North Star Rehash, in which I republish my newspaper columns.

I have something to confess. Something I’m not proud of.

I love to watch “Keeping Up with the Kardashians.”

I’m not quite sure how it happened. I was there, in my room, painting my nails with the TV turned on when the marathon first started playing. My immediate reaction was to quickly change the channel to something more suitable, but this was made difficult since the remote was buried under a chair cushion and I had wet nails. And so I watched.

I think it is important for me to stop here and go through the stages of the mind one experiences when watching “Keeping Up with the Kardashians.”

Stage 1: The viewer expresses agitation with the program she is viewing. “Ugh, I wish I could change the channel, I hate shows like this. What are these people even famous for?”
Stage 2: The viewer becomes relaxed as she starts to enjoy the program. “Huh. The dynamic between Khloe and Bruce is pretty funny. Wow, what a wet blanket he is! Maybe this isn’t the worst thing I’ve ever seen.”
Stage 3: The viewer ceases to think at all as she becomes completely absorbed in whatever Kim, Khloe and Kourtney are fighting about.
Stage 4: The viewer begins to rationalize, attempting to explain her enjoyment. “I mean, I guess watching ‘Keeping Up with the Kardashians’ isn’t that different from other shows I watch, like ‘Friday Night Lights’ and ‘30 Rock.’ I mean, all three are really just a look into different kinds of lifestyles. This show has the same structure as anything else I could be watching right now: a buildup, a conflict, a climax and a resolution. One show doesn’t necessarily have to be better or more tasteful than another.”
Stage 5: The viewer again ceases to think as she watches Kris Kardashian ask her daughters for marital advice.

I now have a Season Pass programmed for “Keeping Up with the Kardashians” on my TiVo, which basically means that I record it every time it’s on television. I go through those 5 stages every time I watch it.

I have since learned that they are “famous” because the late father of the household was Robert Kardashian, who was one of O.J. Simpson’s attorneys during the murder trial. Which is to say: for no reason at all. Their step-father is Bruce Jenner, an Olympic decathlon champion who now spends his days being a 60-year-old man who flies toy helicopters. Also, his face looks like a landslide. He is married to Kris Kardashian, who divorced Robert Kardashian in 1989, 14 years before he died. She is 53, but she acts like she just turned 21. She used to be a cheerleader on the Los Angeles “Ole Skool” Dance Crew. I am not kidding about that. She has six children, the first four from Robert Kardashian and two with Bruce Jenner.

The eldest child is Kourtney, who is very rarely the center of the show. When she talks, it is usually to whine. The next oldest is Kim Kardashian, the most famous in the family. She earned her fame the Paris Hilton way, if you know what I mean. She wears way too much makeup, but then again so does the rest of the family, Bruce included. A lot of the conflicts in the show have her at the center, and storylines often imply that her two sisters are jealous of her. The next Kardashian sister is Khloe, who also happens to be my favorite person on the show because she is hilarious. She always speaks her mind and is constantly taunting Kris and Bruce. The youngest sibling, Robert Kardashian Jr., is ridiculous. He just graduated from college and expects to have a few million dollars within five years. Also, he’s engaged to a Cheetah Girl and has horrible taste in tattoos. The two youngest household members, Kendall and Kylie Jenner, 13 and 11, don’t get featured much on the show. One time they got a dog, and the way Kendall talks reminds me of Yoda.

Most episodes start with the introduction of a conflict. From there on, it’s a half hour of nonstop drama and family fighting.

I guess that’s all you really need to know about the most absurd show on television. Now, where’s that remote control....

_____________________________

A "Keeping Up with the Kardashians" spinoff will start in August.

The girls seem just as sharp as ever.

"The hot guys in Miami are so hot."
-Kourtney Kardashian

More like MURDERSMITH

2009-07-15T01:02:00.008-04:00

I'm sure everyone has, by this point, become familiar with Microsoft's Songsmith. If not, let me introduce you:

With Microsoft's Songsmith, all you need is a computer and a microphone and you're on your way to truly unenjoyable music. Have you ever listened to a MIDI file? It's a bit like that.

Here, let these songbirds explain it:

I love how he says "Even I wouldn't buy a glow in the dark towel," as in, "Even I wouldn't buy a glow in the dark towel, and that's coming from a guy who has a subscription to SkyMall!"

That, plus the fact that 95% of the people I know would buy a glow in the dark towel.

On the other hand, I think Tay Zonday says (or, rather, sings) it best.

I think I can know fully understand how Oedipus was feeling when he decided to blind himself. Some things are just too awful to take in.

Kazoo Jam Time!

2009-07-13T22:34:00.003-04:00

Ran across this video. Nothing like rocking out with a kazoo.

The song is "Auf Achse" by Franz Ferdinand.
Auf achse means "on the road" in German.

Name That Tune

2009-06-21T22:21:00.011-04:00

I love television theme songs. I'm not entirely sure that it's possible for anyone to hate them, really. They're short, sweet, extremely catchy and, outside of the theme for "All in the Family," generally unannoying.

This week I started watching "Mad Men," a critically acclaimed dramatic series on AMC that will began its third season in August. If you haven't started watching it yet, I highly suggest it; it is as engrossing as it is visually stunning, and the attention to detail within the costuming and set dressing will take your breath away. It is also an eye-opening look at post-War American sexism which, at times, brings some humor to the series in the "Ha ha, look how stupid people were back then" kind of way. In the pilot, Joan (the redhead on the left) introduces Peggy (the brunette on the right) to her new typewriter, explaining "I know it looks complicated, but the manufacturer made it simple enough for even a woman to use."

One of my favorite parts of the show is actually the opening sequence, which can be seen here.

I really like both the song and the animation, but a funny thing happens...after I've had it playing in my head for awhile, another theme song begins to replace it. For what ever reason, I keep getting the theme song for "Southland" mixed up with the one from "Mad Men."

I don't know if they're actually similar or if it's just me, but I do know that I like them both a lot.

Mad Men's theme song is "A Beautiful Mine" by RJD2.
Southland's theme song is "Canção do Mar" by Dulce Pontes.

Great Scott, Hamsters!

2009-05-20T17:04:00.004-04:00

I am a girl. Not only that, I am a teenage girl. So please forgive me if, from time to time, I happen to find myself looking up the phrase "cute hamster" on Google Images for no reason whatsoever. I can't help it. My second X chromosome has a gene on it demanding that I like small animals. If I could start every morning by opening my windows to adorable songbirds who would help me get dressed, believe me, I would.

That having been said, I feel that it is my duty to write about the hamster community that is, apparently, all over the Internet. Sure, we've all seen LOLCats, but have you seen the Daily Hamster? No? Then I suggest that you remove your exercise wheel from it's framing and roll over there. Also, it's time for some noming. (When is it not?)

Also, this exists. Thank you, world.

Fun puzzle: Compare and contrast!

Next up, baby bunnies...

Welcome Back to the Worst Blog Ever

2009-05-01T09:32:00.004-04:00

So, that picture pretty much represents the technology level at which I am now functioning, since my home wireless connection is less of a connection and more of a conundrum. Hence the not writing ANYTHING for a month. Apologies (because I'm sure the whole world was really upset that I wasn't blogging. It's a wonder the world kept turning). I'm in a joke class at the moment, so it's innanetz time.

So, here: Fonts and a good blog about fonts: http://www.marksimonson.com/

For the Love of Crazies

2009-04-04T12:10:00.005-04:00

Last night's episode of The Soup, a show which everyone should watch, featured a clip from Maury in which a crazy lady accused some other presumably crazy lady of seducing her man with chicken tetrazzini.

Now, I don't actually watch Maury, partly because it's on during the day and partly because I have all of my original teeth, but that doesn't stop me from thoroughly enjoying the clips it has to offer. And so, here is a presentation of a classic case of Maury Povich being an ass to people with legitimate issues:

Welcome To Narnia

2009-04-03T12:39:00.004-04:00

I don't have all that many memories from middle school German class, but one thing I do remember is this one video we watched about Mad King Ludwig. He was a German King, and he built a bunch of crazy castles that were decorated like play sets.

I always think about that video whenever I see whimsical things for the home like this "Tree Bed," which is available at Shawn Lovell Metalworks for a mere $15,000.

Animal House makes animal shaped kitchen supplies for far more reasonable prices, and, as always, Fred Flare is a good source for ridiculous household items.

It's Pretty Good!

2009-04-02T17:16:00.005-04:00

I got the new Yeah Yeah Yeah's album, It's Blitz!, last night, and I highly recommend it. It might be the most dance-inducing thing I've ever heard. It sounds like a combination of Show Your Bones and CSS's Cansei de Ser Sexy, and it may be my favorite album art of all time.

"Heads Will Roll"

And Then God Said: Let There Be Teh Internetz

2009-03-28T22:01:00.007-04:00

My friend Kylie and I made that picture, then proceeded to fall into a seven hour long coma. Because of, you know, the cute. Also, there's a hidden somethin somethin in there. When you find it, you'll Shit Brix.

I like the internet. Do you like the internet? You probably do, since you're on it right now. Either that, or you're really confused. Go back to bed, Grandpa.

So here is the what. I'm going to start blogging daily. DAILY. Sometimes it will be a long post on politics (Shun Rush Limbaugh. Shuuuuuun.), sometimes it will just be a picture of my cat (she likes to sleep in boxes!!!1!) Maybe you'll get some art to look at or some music to hear. More often than not, it will probably end up being an "internet find of the day" sort of thing. Joyous!

Which leads to my original question: Do you like the internet? If you do, 3 to 5 readers, then keep reading.

(Kind of) A Review of an Album From 2007

2009-03-04T09:46:00.007-05:00

I am usually pretty scornful of anything actors do. This scorn is, more often than not, contained to what movies they decide to be in, how well they do in the movies, and other film-related complaints. But everynow and then, an actor will decide that they want to explore their other creative outlets and thereby give me a whole NEW thing to complain about.

Sometimes that actor is Joaquin Phoenix, and the creative outlet they decide to explore is insanity, rap music and beard growing. Sometimes that actor is Scarlett Johannson, and the creative outlet is Tom Waits covers (what?).

But sometimes that actor is Jason Schwartzman, and I am willing to give it a chance. Schwartzman has never made me hate him before. In fact, I've liked pretty much everything I've seen him do. Rushmore, I Heart Huckabees, Marie Antoinette and the Darjeeling Limited are some of my favorite movies, plus he used to be the drummer in Phantom Planet, and they wrote the song that plays at the beginning of The O.C.

It was actually The O.C. that made me finally obtain this album. We recently got digital cable, which means that we now have a channel called Soapnet. It shows reruns of The O.C., which I watch because it's nostalgic. And also because it's SO INTENSE. Anyway, I was watching it and in the background they were playing the song "West Coast," by Coconut Records, which is Schwartzman's solo project. Since I enjoyed it, I got the album, which I listened to for the first time last night

Aaaaaannnnndd...disappointment. Every song was like "Oh, this is Jason Schwartzman sounding like Bright Eyes on I'm Wide Awake It's Morning. Oh, this is Jason Schwartzman sounding like the song 'On Top' from Hot Fuss. Oh, this is Jason Schwartzman sounding like Weezer while an extremely unnecassary applause track plays in the background." The album has a few gems, but the only one worth really having is "West Coast."

IT'S OSCAR SUNDAY

2009-02-22T16:35:00.011-05:00

The Oscars are on tonight at 8 eastern and will be hosted by Hugh Jackman (what?!), but you can watch the douchebaggery of the E! channel "news" team ALL DAY.

Who I hope wins in categories that I care about this year

ACTOR IN A LEADING ROLE

Sean Penn- Milk

ACTOR IN A SUPPORTING ROLE

Heath Ledger- The Dark Knight

ACTRESS IN A LEADING ROLE

Anne Hathaway- Rachel Getting Married

ACTRESS IN A SUPPORTING ROLE

Taraji P. Henson- The Curious Case of Benjamin Button

CINEMATOGRAPHY

Slumdog Millionaire

COSTUME DESIGN

Milk

DIRECTING

Frost/Nixon

FILM EDITING

Milk

WRITING (ADAPTED SCREENPLAY)

The Curious Case of Benjamin Button

WRITING (ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY)

Milk

BEST PICTURE

The Reader

Here is my spiel about the "Best Picture" award

I always care way too much about who and what wins at the Oscars, especially when it comes to the Best Picture award. So I give you my First Annual Best Picture Preference List:

#1- The Reader
This film was astounding. It picked apart and displayed this whole side of the Holocaust that I'd never even considered (namely, life after WWII for ex-Nazi prison guards), and it dealt with illiteracy in a new, completely non-PSA-ish way. I don't think it will win because of all the sex and because no one saw it, but still...I love this movie.

#2- Milk
This is an extremely close second...like, it's really #1.1. It was creatively filmed and really gave a clear and realistic look into the culture surrounding Castro Street in the 60s and 70s, as well as an exciting look at the world's most recent civil rights movement. Also, Emile Hirsch's presence certainly didn't hurt things.

#3- Frost/Nixon
When I was watching this film, one thing stood out- good film doesn't have to just be thought provoking, moving and well written. It can be entertaining, too. This is the first film I have seen for a long time where I can say that it was both extremely well crafted and fun to watch. However, I think that has far more to do with Ron Howard than anyone else, hence why I want it to win for directing and not Best Picture.

#4- Slumdog Millionaire
I know I'm the only person on Earth who didn't think that this was the best movie ever made. It's my own fault...I usually get more excited about movies when they're crushing, not heart-warming. If I want my heart to be warmed, I will either watch something with Hugh Grant in it or stand near a microwave. But when I go to see a movie about some kid who grew up in the slums of Mumbai, I want a catharsis, damn it. This movie was almost that...the first hour and a half was that. But then, all the sudden there's 20 minutes left to go and it's SO HAPPY. It's like watching two movies in one sitting, and it's annoying.

#5- The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
It was really good but not moving in anyway. It was just a movie, you know? Not deserving of such accolades.

Side note time!

My internet isn't really working at the moment, but when it's back up I'm going to make an effort to blog at least 3 times a week. So, look forward to that.

Leftovers!!!1!!1!1!1!!1!1

2009-02-04T18:49:00.002-05:00

I've been meaning to write a new blog post, but have nothing to write about. So, since my creativity and idea-creating-abilities are obnoxiously finite, I will occasionally be posting columns that I have written in the past for the North Star.

CRAFT QUEEN ENTERTAINS MANY- Celebrity homemaker teaches imperfection

You know who's awesome? Martha Stewart.

She fascinates me, and I have no idea why. Maybe it's her voice, which sounds extremely nice and proper but occasionally breaks when she is trying to hold herself back from being an insane, controlling craft monster. Maybe it's her sophisticated baked goods and color palette that I like. Then again, maybe I just inhaled too much emerald-green glitter while making my decorative Christmas pinecones.

Seriously, you guys. My lungs burn.

I first became intrigued by her when watching an episode of "Late Night with Conan O'Brien" on which she was a guest. Whenever Stewart is a guest on "Late Night," she always brings some sort of craft to show O'Brien. On this episode, she came armed with two cans of paint from her line of Valspar paint colors and some sort of ridiculous paint brush roller that created a wood grain print on walls. I'm not sure why anyone would want walls with a fake blue and white wood pattern stamped on them, but I do know that watching O'Brien go through that process while Stewart stood back and watched is one of the most fascinating things I've ever seen.

She looked incredibly uncomfortable, which was so much fun to watch that I spent the entire segment watching her instead of O'Brien, which is saying something considering the fact that O'Brien is six foot four, has a bright orange pompadour hairdo that makes him six foot eight and tends to dance around a lot. It was at this moment that I went from a Martha dissenter to a Martha convert.

Now, I know that at this point Stewart is mostly known among our generation for her five-month-long trip to a federal prison in regards to some insider trading that she was involved with. I know that she apparently lost a lot of her credibility because of that, and I think that's fair. Not everyone can handle having a public figure who is basically a combination of June Cleaver and Lisa "Left-Eye" Lopez from TLC. I, on the other hand, happen to think that her conviction made her even more appealing. Sure, she still spends the majority of her time making cupcakes shaped like tiny houses for elves, but now she does it with an edge.

When you watch "The Martha Stewart Show," which is her daytime talk show on which a surprising number of A-list celebrities often appear, you can't help but sit there and think, "You know, if she wanted to hit Nick Jonas on the back of the head with the decorative towel rack she and the Jonas Brothers just made out of sticks and rocks found in her backyard, I bet she totally would."

I suppose the point of this is that Stewart is like the ultimate good girl gone bad, and that it's always fun to watch perfect people falter a little bit. Or, as trips to federal prisons generally go, falter a lot. Stewart is like a Stepford wife with an evil streak, and that's incredibly entertaining.

Whenever I think about Martha Stewart, I think about this video clip that got played over and over again on "The Daily Show" the week that she got released. She was standing in her garden outside of her house, looking over her fence at the large crowd of media members holding cameras and notebooks. One media member yelled out the question "What did you miss while you were in prison?" Stewart's response completely sums up everything that she means to me.

"I really love lemons," said Stewart. "These are the first lemons I've had in five months. I really missed some lemons. Oh, and my family and friends too."

Column end, back to blog

So, yeah. I found a video of Conan on The Martha Stewart Show's 500th episode for your viewing pleasure.

I would so buy everything I own at a combination Conan O'Brien/Martha Stewart store.

A Post Without Focus

2009-01-19T15:27:00.002-05:00

Ink: Not Just Another Noun

I've been researching literary tattoos for the last couple of days, and I am intrigued.

The one pictured is a quote from The Catcher in the Rye. Please note the brass knuckles in the background. That person is not a cliche.

There are a couple of websites devoted to tattoos like this, the best of which can be found here. There is a gallery of them at Yuppy Punk as well, but not as large or diverse of a collection as the first one. Plus, their name makes me cringe, no matter how true it probably is.

The tattoos range from making me lustful (Vonnegut quotes and sketches, Shel Silverstein sketches, punctuation marks, dictionary definitions) to making me wish that, for the sake of the tattooed person, tattooing had never been invented (Harry Potter, Elvish, Korn).

I think that if I ever felt the need to get a tattoo, it would probably end up being a Salinger quote. Or something from the Great Gatsby. Or something from the song "Oh Comely" from In The Aeroplane Over The Sea. Or "Two Headed Boy." Yep.

High School/College/Having an Actual Job Is the Same as the Serengeti Because...

Because lions only motivation to do anything is fueled by one of three things: (1) self preservation (2) obtaining food (3) obtaining sex.

The only reason people go to high school is so that they can go to college or get a job when they're done. The only reason people go to college is so that they can get a better job than the people who didn't go to college. There may be some side benefits to going through this process as well, but the main goal is just to end up in a place where (1) you are not in any imminent danger, (2) there is food and (3) possibly sex. For example, I want to go to college and major in English because I have a legitimate interest in the subject and feel that I might just be good enough to obtain a career in that field. However, were I an heiress and it had been made certain that I was so rich that I would not need to have a career in anything in order to make sure that I would not die alone of starvation on a sidewalk, I would not have the motivation to do any of that. I would just order one ounce of face cream for $1000, start a reality show so that I could find the perfect best friend and order that my staff dance for me. I said dance!

The Artful Dodger Has Artists Covering Artists

Some mp3s for your listening pleasure. They'll stay up for a week.

Peter Gabriel and Hot Chip covering Vampire Weekend

Alan Pownell covering Kanye West

Hard-Fi covering the White Stripes

See you, then.

A Not-So-Timely "Best of 2008" List

2009-01-11T15:15:00.001-05:00

I am a procrastinator in every sense of the word. I procrastinate so much that it takes me 11 days into 2009 to publish a best of 2008 list.

Ah well, better late than never.

Top 5 YouTube finds:

I suppose this is the very reason it's hard for me to get things done.

1. Keeping Your Refrigerator Stocked Will Get You Many Women

This is my favorite thing ever. This video never stops being funny. Ever.

2. Jones Big Ass Truck Rental and Storage

"You aint gonna use that ugly yellow yalugguge!" I found him on dem innanetz. The best part about this whole thing is that www.jonesbigasstruckrentalandstorage.com is an actual website. They sell t-shirts, and I am going to buy one.

3. Indian Thriller

"Cook a chicano's day! Mucho caliente!" This is why I love the rest of Earth.

4. Ninja Cat

Ninja cat is a ninjaaaa.

5. Spider "The Devil in Denim"

Hoorah for depressing, disturbing and slightly pretentious animation! Yah!

Alright, that is all. May the new year bring you happiness, luck, and above all else, fantastic YouTube videos. Delight!

I'm a blogger now, no Doubt

2008-12-29T22:42:00.001-05:00

Well, I can honestly say that I never thought I would be one of "those" people. You know, those blogging people, what with their scarves and their lattes!

But somehow, by some strange and undoubtedly cruel fate, here I am. I've got my scarf. I've got my latte. Let's do this thing.

So, what should one talk about in their first blog post ever? Maybe I should talk about myself, give some background information on who I am and why I'm the sort of person who has been known to to do things like spontaneously create blogs.

That seems like a suitable subject, but Blogger.com has thought ahead and provided a little section to our right whose soul purpose is to provide that sort of information. And who am I to rob that box of its purpose? If that box happened to be some sort of existentialist and I took away its only job, I would pretty much be ruining its little box life. I just couldn't live with myself.

What I'm going to talk about is the movie Doubt. I'm going to talk about how mind-blowingly fantastic it could have been, and how disappointing it actually was.

First, a little synopsis from Fandango.com: "When the principal (Meryl Streep) of a Bronx Catholic High School accuses a popular priest (Philip Seymour Hoffman) of pedophilia, a young nun caught in between the feuding pair becomes hopelessly swept up in the ensuing controversy."

And the trailer on YouTube.

Let me start out by saying that both the synopsis from Fandango and the trailer are more moving and emotion-filled than the film was. Yeah, I'm not kidding.

The literary quality of the film is FABULOUS. It's based on a Pulitzer Prize winning play, and believe me, nothing has ever deserved a Pulitzer more. The script is rich with symbolism and conflict. Oh, such conflict! The point of the film isn't so much to examine whether or not Hoffman's character did or did not sexually abuse a little boy. It's to look at the do-or-die conflict of Doubt vs. Certainty. It is so very, deliciously thematic.

The acting is incredible. Hoffman (whom, for whatever reason, I've got a bit of a crush on after seeing The Savages) is a wonderfully enraged victim to Streep's character, who is all at once terrifying and hilarious. Amy Adams is once again adorably innocuous and naive, but believably so. The direction was strong, though there were a few straight-out-of-film-school camera angles that were a little annoying (an example of which can be seen in the trailer at 1:03), but that can be forgiven.

On the outside, it seems as if this film has everything it needs to be awe-inspiring. So what made it fall short?

You see, the film was written for screen and directed by the same man who wrote the play, John Patrick Shanley. He did not change the play for film, and that was the biggest mistake he could have made.

In plays, one can get by without constructing a character to whom the audience can connect. In just about any theater, all audience members will never be more than, say, 400 feet from an actor. This makes it so that the characters don't necessarily have to be accesible. The characters are right in front of you, you can almost touch them. In film, this is not true. An audience has to be given a character who they can imagine existing in real life. If a story has one character that can do this, the entire story becomes real for the audience and thus has the power to either be devastating or uplifting.

Doubt did not have that character. So, where I could have been completely devastated, I was only mildly intrigued. I enjoyed the film, but only on an intellectual level, not an emotional one.

I guess I'll just have to hope that Revolutionary Road and Frost/Nixon are more to my liking.